Americans Should Take Longer Showers

Americans should take longer showers.

No, not because we stink.

Though some of us do need encouragement to use soap, yes?  Do you ever happen to sit close to Mr. Stinky on the bus or stand close to Miss Stinky in a cashier’s line and wonder, “Does this person buy soap?  If so, do they actually use it?  Or do they just get it because, to them, others ‘seem to buy this stuff’ and they haven’t figured out what it’s for?”

Maybe these stinky people actually have a storage place packed to the ceiling with unused soap products!  Can you picture that scene of inheritance?

“OK, storage unit 102, level 3, here we are,” says Inheritance Person to herself, “I wonder what good ol’ Uncle Stinky left behind?  Maybe there’s a fortune of antiques in here?"

Excitment builds.  Heart rate goes up as does the drama...
  
"Antiques Roadshow, PBS, here I come!”  she exclaims.  In goes the key, up goes the rolling door, and drum roll…

“I didn’t know Uncle Stinky tried to make it in Amway."

I’m not out to pick on stinky people.  Stinky people aren’t new.  The Pig Pens of Charlie Brown’s world have always been in our world; I imagine that our world of stinky people inspired Charles Schulz to create this stinky friend for good ol’ gloomy Charlie Brown.  (Amazing how Pig Pen makes "stinky" adorable, isn't it?)

I’m not out to make American armpits cleaner either, nor to promote Old Spice or Axe, though the former does make some great body washes these days.  Have you tried Old Spice Denali Body Wash?  Good stuff.  Still, all these reasons aside, I believe to the depths of me: we really should take longer showers.

I believe the simple act of longer showers by Americans will improve our entire world significantly.

Bold claim.

Either you are thinking, “Hmm...intriguing...where’s he going with that ridiculous claim?”  Or you are thinking, “He is just ridiculous.”  And for the sake of people who are sensitive about being categorized—you know, having individual's hides get branded into groups oversimplified by various hot iron psychologies—for this "category" of people (ha ha!), I will say: Really, I don’t know what your thinking.  But still…

…we should take longer showers because, for one, the whole world will improve its economic crisis.

I’m serious.

We need to give a few more minutes, at least, under that mildly warm or scolding hot water (or whatever temperature you prefer), and by doing so, we will have less divorces.  We will have more people in jobs they like, or even better, vocations that don’t feel like jobs at all.

Again, I’m serious.

We will have less children in sex slavery.  We will have an even greater population problem because less people would starve to death tomorrow.  (I vote for the former problem.)  More teenagers would really know who their parents are—even be good friends with them.

All these really good outcomes will happen if…yes, you got it…

…if more of us waited a few more minutes than typical before shutting off that water valve.

            I’ve gotten more specific.  I’ve told you how influential I think this simple change in American behavior would be.  But I haven’t told you why I believe this seemingly ridiculous theory isn’t ridiculous.

If I’m right and it can be scientifically proven that longer showers do increase more socially positive outcomes, what would be the reason?  Why would longer showers result in such progress?

In order for me to share the why, I need to know if there is a who.

I would like to know if you are reading this and if there is any interest for me to continue.  Otherwise, I can just keep these ponderings to myself.  I'm content with that, but it is more fun to share and get feedback.

I hope you are interested because it is not only a fun idea but also a life changing one that I'm eager to share.  I'm not out to sell you something.  I'm not writing to convert you to Jesus, though I'd be stoked if and however this happened to you because of my Christian worldview.

I'm writing because I really enjoy it, and I hope that my words will result in, at least, some of us taking longer showers for the incredible outcomes above to come true—to actually "out-come."

Post a comment to this blog article, saying something like "Keep going, Troy" or "boorara loo goo goo" or "[sigh] sure..."  I'll know that you're interested, and then I'll finish my thought on the power of showers...